If Your Mentor Doesn’t Hurt Your Feelings, You Might Be Doing It Wrong
The Real Gift Of Mentorship Isn’t What You Think It Is
“That’s a cute idea. Now stop wasting my time and tell me something useful.”
It’s 1999 and I’m driving my investor, Jonathan Beare, to the airport. We’ve been discussing a recent business development campaign I’ve been working on, when he drops the “cute” bomb.
I’d just been mentored.
Mentorship is a lot like having a brother or sister. You rely on them to be supportive when needed, but not at the expense of the unvarnished truth.
Jonathan gave me some of the sweetest business, and life, advice I’ve ever received, and yet, it was very rarely sugarcoated. At first it was painful to be told I was screwing up, but you soon realize that’s just your ego feeling hurt.
It wasn’t long before I would start to hear his voice in my head. His voice replaced my ego’s voice, and I can still hear it today.
“Behave as if this could all disappear tomorrow”.
“What story are you telling yourself to avoid the truth?”
Misaligned Expectations
Almost 20 years on and now I’m the one being I’m asked to be a mentor. I’m humbled, but also frustrated by what mentoring means to a lot of people.
Problems arise when the mentee assumes the mentor is an advisor or consultant. They assume the mentor has the answer to a question. They assume the mentor will give them advice that will solve their problem.
This is not how mentorship works.
A mentor is like a coach. They ask you tough questions, and don’t let you off the hook when you give cute answers. But unlike a coach, they are not a domain expert. Their expertise is in helping you be your best self.
Mentors don’t do the work for you. They help you find your own path by nudging or guiding you towards your own truths.
The Best Mentorship Is The Informal One
A few years ago I started racing bikes again. It had been about 15 years since I’d ridden competitively but I was pretty sure it would be just like riding a bike again. Although I wasn’t the bulletproof young man from my earlier riding days, I was feeling reasonably confident.
Through a mutual friend I was introduced to Tim Johnson, a three times national cyclocross champion, and Red Bull athlete. We became friends and would sometimes ride together.
While out riding together on a technical trail in the woods, Tim stopped on the trail and asked me, “Would you be open to some feedback?”
“Sure!” I said.
“You don’t know how to ride a bike.”
It sounded like a joke at first but Tim looked me straight in the eyes and continued, “If you carry on riding like that, someone’s going to get hurt. And it’s probably going to be you.” He then went on to show me how to ride my bike in a way I’ve never done before. It paid off, several weeks later and I was on the podium.
What Are You Looking For?
Although I often hire coaches (executive and sports coaches), I am amazed by the value in informal relationships. Friends often know you better than a professional coach would. If you’re looking for a formal mentor relationship, you might be trying too hard. Your best mentors are often already in your extended circle of friends and acquaintances.
If you need an advisor, get an advisor.
If you need a coach, get a coach.
If you need a mentor, look around you. You’ll be surprised.
